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I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something
- Jackie Mason
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
- Woody Allen
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
- Sam Levenson
Всегда говори женщине, что она не такая, как другие,
если хочешь получить от неё то же, что и от других.
The trip to the doctor
Millie accompanied her husband Maurice to the doctor's office. After he had given Maurice a full checkup, the doctor called Millie into his office, alone.
He said, "Maurice is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following,
your husband will surely die.
Each morning, wake him up gently with a long and passionate kiss, then fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times and make sure he is always in a good mood. Cook him only his favourite meals, lunch and dinner and allow him to fully relax after each. Don't burden him with any chores and don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. Do not argue with him, even if he criticises you or makes fun of you. Let him be as arrogant as he wants to be. Try to relax him in the evening by wearing see-through lingerie. Give him plenty of "full relief" body massages. Encourage him to watch all the sport he can on the TV, even if it means missing your favourite programs. And most importantly, make full and passionate love with Maurice every evening after dinner and satisfy his every whim. I suggest you also make oral love to him mid morning and mid afternoon.
If you can do all of this, every day, for the next 6 months, I think Maurice will regain his health completely."
On the way home, Maurice asks Millie: "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
Seder Charity.
Moishe took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating.
A little while later a blind man came and sat down next to him. Feeling neighbourly,
Moishe passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes,
looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this shit?"
Riddle
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: The Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at a casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?'The other answered,'"I don't know. I thought you were watching."
Обратился человек в милицию:
- Пропала жена.
- Дайте описание вашей жены.
Человек на секунду задумался:
- С одним условием: когда найдется жена, вы ей это описание не покажете.
«А с поцелуями торопиться не будем», – сказал принц, слезая со спящей красавицы.